Maturely Intimate

After having several conversations about Catfish in class as well as the reading about distance relationships, I thought it was time for me to come out. I am in a distance relationship. However, it is nowhere near as exciting as the thrill of online dating (or whatever emotion you equate to it). My girlfriend and I met here at Ball State 3 years ago and have been dating for about 2 of those years. She graduated last May, and moved to Evansville for a job. Now, instead of a 5-minute walk, we are a 4-hour drive from one another. We Skype, text, call, write letters, and use Facebook. You know, the works.

I do not want you to think I am complaining about my life, or about the difficulties of a distance relationship. I am happy with both of those. Instead I would like to focus on what our class discussions on Catfish and the article called “A Long Distance Affair” have missed about technology mediated relationships at a distance; matured intimacy.

First, to start with Catfish. The relationships in Catfish all lack true intimacy, which is an important aspect of a healthy relationship. One complaint I would have about most forms of mediated communication in reference to my relationship is that they are purely information seeking. My girlfriend can express emotions through a text like “I had a bad day”. 90% of the time my response is “I’m sorry” or to seek more information about said day. I have no opportunity to hug her or comfort her empathetically. I think of breadth and depth in the social penetration theory. All the information I get about my girlfriend allows me to experience her life through words (breadth), but we lack the chance of depth through proximity and touch.

To better explain the need for proximity, let me tell you about one of my close friends. We became friends after working together. Both of us were into fitness and being in shape so we began hitting the gym. A year later we are still work out partners and close friends. Sadly, I recently strained my groin, which has put me out of commission for a while. My friend and I are still close friends, but hang out far less. At first, I wondered why this was happening. We hung out far more than just at the gym before my injury. Why this sudden drop in time spent together? Then I thought about how we would make all our plans to do things together while we were at the gym. It suddenly made sense. The more time we spent with each other meant the more time we planned to spend with each other.

So, back to the original issue of Catfish. Luckily, my girlfriend and I have established intimacy from our time together before she left. Strictly online daters on the other hand are far less likely to be intimate without having the opportunity to spend time with one another. 

Intimacy is one part of my argument. The next part, maturity, lies within the article “A Long Distance Affair”.

Most of the relationships examined in the article seem fairly healthy. However, the author writes a section on how people leaving high school can cling to previous relationships. This can prevent individuals from enjoying their time in college and can cause partners to be jealous. The one thing I think these relationships lack is maturity. I am not saying my girlfriend and I have it all together, or that we are incredibly mature. However, we do have a quality of maturity that provides for the other person to have some space. This isn’t because of something unique in our character, but has cultivated with time. The 4 years I have spent in college so far have been extremely influential in my maturing process. The lack of maturity and experience in a high school couple makes me question their ability to handle a long distance technology-mediated relationship.

So there you have it. A mix of intimacy and maturity can make a distance relationship thrive. A lack of that mix can make it miserable. Being ‘maturely intimate’ allows for a better and more enjoyable long distant relationship.